Elena Ender


Kate McKinnon


I had already quadruple-texted this guy, so I had to restrain from embarrassing myself any further, which is why I’ve spent the past few hours watching Kate McKinnon videos and asking myself over and over why I am letting myself be sad about this, because there is so much more going on in the world and my problems are so insignificant in comparison to the painfully recent Cambodian humanitarian crisis that Kate McKinnon was talking about in her episode of David Chang’s show Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner where she also deals with dissatisfaction in her comparatively easy life and some search for peace or affirmation that she is doing something worthwhile, to which I want to shout that life is hard and she is so good and one of my biggest queer role models, though now I shouldn’t have these issues because I’m back to liking a dude  who is white and privileged and should scoop me up from my slump of isolation and place me back on the spectrum of normalcy, yet he doesn’t, and I struggle even further with my identity as a queer woman who loves women with deep, gorgeous, depressing teal ocean waves in my chest and loves men with fierce, angry, anxious scarlet flames and sparks in my belly, and it is so different right now to reconcile what I want and who I am and what I can offer to this relationship that isn’t even a relationship because he hasn’t responded to any of my messages, so I’ll check out Kate McKinnon’s episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee where maybe she will love herself and value her work and not think she’s too weird to be understood, because I want to believe that we are kindred spirits and when she becomes happy, I can too.



Elena Ender has loved every bit of reading for and editing literary publications Tin House and Masters Review. She spends her time writing snarky fiction, listening to 2007 pop-punk, and driving around the streets of Portland, OR. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram as: @elena_ender.

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